Today I'm wearing a green sweater. It's warm and soft and, I just realized this afternoon, matches my eyes. Nope, my eyes haven't changed from boring brown to green. I found myself fighting the monstrous sin of jealousy.
The situation reminds me of that verse about the man who thinks he stands watching out lest he falls, since I really wasn't expecting to fight jealousy today. It's not a sin I often struggle with. But I wasn't watching my attitude and let it sneak up on me. I wasn't being sober and vigilant and alert. Before I knew it, wham! I was flat out jealous.
My dictionary widget says that jealousy is "feeling or showing envy of someone or their advantages or achievements." Envy is "a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck." Yup. Who knew the Spirit works through the dictionary?
What is the cure for jealousy? I'm not an expert, but when I recognized it, I repented. "I know You give out the talents, the situations of life, the gifts. Your goodness to me has always been amazing and above what I deserve. I repent of wanting that person's abilities or life opportunities and return to focusing on You and what you want me to do." I'm guessing the fight isn't over on this one. But for now, I'm thankful and content.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Community and A White Board
My neighbor Justin has been teaching me lessons about community. It all started months ago, after I complained once again about the noisy person who lived directly above me. It wasn’t that I couldn’t stand a little noise. Our dorm has quite a bit of hallway and stairway noise most of the time. It seemed to me that this upstairs person was re-arranging her furniture or building a construction project in her room: lots of banging and dragging and slamming. The noises seemed to be loudest at the worst times, midnight or five in the morning!
After patiently listening to my complaints on one occasion, Justin said something like this, “Whenever I’m bothered by noise here, I try to let it remind me to be thankful that I’m part of a community.”
Perhaps it wasn’t his purpose, but I was rebuked. Community is an important concept to Justin. It’s more than the idea of a neighborhood park or a block party. He feels very strongly that G has provided for us to live in communities, both our community of the people of G and the unbelievers around us, for our good and His glory. There are many good purposes in community: encouragement, sanctification, evangelism, etc. (I’m sure his explanation would be better than mine.)
The thing is, I totally agree with Justin. I also believe community is an important part of G’s plan. I try to demonstrate by love for G and others through my involvement in my different levels of community. Justin, however, is often better at it than I. Not many neighbors would respond graciously when I randomly wake them with a desire to borrow eggs for a baking “emergency”, especially at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning. This is one extreme example of his consistent kindness.
I’ve been sharing with my ladies book study group things I learn from Justin about community. But this week, I learned some unexpected lessons from the “white board situation.”
For a long time, I’ve had a Disney Princess white board hanging on the outside of my room door. It’s where I post my status, whether I’m in or out, where I’ve gone, or messages for others. People leave me messages there. Sometimes the white board will have a poll or quote or continuing story. A few days ago, I returned to my room to find that my empty white board had a sentence on it. “Justin is out.” Ok. Admittedly, it was funny. I mean, how much more funny can you get than having one person’s info on another person’s door? From inside my room, I could hear people laugh at it all afternoon. It was funnier as Justin’s status began changing. “Justin is in.” And then, “Justin is taking over this board.”
I decided to begin to protest. “Get your own board.” “Justin lives down there (big arrow) in room 407.” This last sentence was highly ineffective since Justin added to it the line, “but he’s not in now because he’s teaching.” You know me, I love a good, pointless fight. I filed a stronger complaint on the board, using words like “writing indiscriminately” and “serious consequences.” I even threatened to put my own status updates on Justin’s facebook wall in retaliation.
This was all still a joke, but after reading other friends’ input on facebook regarding the white board “war”, I decided that enough was enough. “Good grief,” I thought. “Think of everything he shares with you. You can give in and share the stupid white board.” I also had a secondary suspicion that, if the purpose of Justin’s writing was simply to annoy me, then it would cease anyway once I capitulated.
I was wrong. First, he doubted my sincerity. “No, I’m sincere. I’ll share it.” To prove my point, I put sections on the board. “Justin’s part, Karyn’s part, everyone else’s part.” Justin’s response turned a game into an unexpected moment of conviction.
“It’s not about me having a part of the board. It’s about us sharing it in community.”
Sharing. Giving. What is the value of giving or sharing if it’s always on my terms or completely under my control? Yeah, it’s just a little old white board, but it’s MY white board. You can all write on it but never forget that it’s still MINE. How many other times to I give to others or to the L, and it’s a conditional gift? Do I ever really share without limits to protect myself or my interests?
This story, in itself, illustrates the value of community. Interpersonal exchanges in our common, every day lives can be the tools He uses to “provoke us to love and to good works”, to prod us to consider our own walk in a different light.
I went out to the board on my door and erased all the partitions. “Karyn is in and is ready to share,” I wrote on it. Later I returned to see an addition. “She is so cool and nice to Justin, who is in.”
After patiently listening to my complaints on one occasion, Justin said something like this, “Whenever I’m bothered by noise here, I try to let it remind me to be thankful that I’m part of a community.”
Perhaps it wasn’t his purpose, but I was rebuked. Community is an important concept to Justin. It’s more than the idea of a neighborhood park or a block party. He feels very strongly that G has provided for us to live in communities, both our community of the people of G and the unbelievers around us, for our good and His glory. There are many good purposes in community: encouragement, sanctification, evangelism, etc. (I’m sure his explanation would be better than mine.)
The thing is, I totally agree with Justin. I also believe community is an important part of G’s plan. I try to demonstrate by love for G and others through my involvement in my different levels of community. Justin, however, is often better at it than I. Not many neighbors would respond graciously when I randomly wake them with a desire to borrow eggs for a baking “emergency”, especially at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning. This is one extreme example of his consistent kindness.
I’ve been sharing with my ladies book study group things I learn from Justin about community. But this week, I learned some unexpected lessons from the “white board situation.”
For a long time, I’ve had a Disney Princess white board hanging on the outside of my room door. It’s where I post my status, whether I’m in or out, where I’ve gone, or messages for others. People leave me messages there. Sometimes the white board will have a poll or quote or continuing story. A few days ago, I returned to my room to find that my empty white board had a sentence on it. “Justin is out.” Ok. Admittedly, it was funny. I mean, how much more funny can you get than having one person’s info on another person’s door? From inside my room, I could hear people laugh at it all afternoon. It was funnier as Justin’s status began changing. “Justin is in.” And then, “Justin is taking over this board.”
I decided to begin to protest. “Get your own board.” “Justin lives down there (big arrow) in room 407.” This last sentence was highly ineffective since Justin added to it the line, “but he’s not in now because he’s teaching.” You know me, I love a good, pointless fight. I filed a stronger complaint on the board, using words like “writing indiscriminately” and “serious consequences.” I even threatened to put my own status updates on Justin’s facebook wall in retaliation.
This was all still a joke, but after reading other friends’ input on facebook regarding the white board “war”, I decided that enough was enough. “Good grief,” I thought. “Think of everything he shares with you. You can give in and share the stupid white board.” I also had a secondary suspicion that, if the purpose of Justin’s writing was simply to annoy me, then it would cease anyway once I capitulated.
I was wrong. First, he doubted my sincerity. “No, I’m sincere. I’ll share it.” To prove my point, I put sections on the board. “Justin’s part, Karyn’s part, everyone else’s part.” Justin’s response turned a game into an unexpected moment of conviction.
“It’s not about me having a part of the board. It’s about us sharing it in community.”
Sharing. Giving. What is the value of giving or sharing if it’s always on my terms or completely under my control? Yeah, it’s just a little old white board, but it’s MY white board. You can all write on it but never forget that it’s still MINE. How many other times to I give to others or to the L, and it’s a conditional gift? Do I ever really share without limits to protect myself or my interests?
This story, in itself, illustrates the value of community. Interpersonal exchanges in our common, every day lives can be the tools He uses to “provoke us to love and to good works”, to prod us to consider our own walk in a different light.
I went out to the board on my door and erased all the partitions. “Karyn is in and is ready to share,” I wrote on it. Later I returned to see an addition. “She is so cool and nice to Justin, who is in.”
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Lions
March is here like a lion, and northeast China is blustery and cold. My ears are still frozen, and I've been inside for a while now. While it sometimes takes so much effort to walk against the blast, I often feel invigorated by it. In small doses.
I haven't blogged since the new semester began, and I'm struggling to know how to sum up the past few weeks. I'm teaching mostly new students. The subject is video English, and I have sophomore English majors. For three weeks, we've been studying the movie "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington". With all the current events, I thought that a bit of understanding of American government would be helpful to my students. "Mr. Smith" gives a simplified view of the blessings and also the dangers of capitalism, along with pertinent vocabulary. I have decided that one theme that I'd like to emphasize this semester is the idea that your priorities and values determine your choices in life. In this movie, we're seeing different people show what is the most important thing to them: truth, money, power, reputation... While it is a challenging movie for the students to watch and understand, they are nevertheless sucked into Jimmy Stewart's performance by the end of the movie. The students had to do posters and presentations of famous people or places that are mentioned or shown in the movie. One class, in particular, did a super job last week. Today, I came in to find them all staring at me expectantly. After a minute, I said to one girl, "what is it?" She looked at the back wall of the classroom. I hadn't looked up yet to see that they'd hung their American history posters all over the back wall. "Wow, that looks fantastic!" I said, and they were all pleased.
Last semester, I taught freshmen students. Yesterday, I was able to have a little "tea party" with seven of the girls. A couple of other foreign teachers stopped by, and the girls really enjoyed getting together and practicing their English. Several girls want to get together with me one on one to talk about other life things as well. I'm thankful to have had the experience of working in an activities department at a nursing home for so long. I also have the privilege of being a member of Morning Star, which is blessed with an abundance of hospitality experts from which to learn. My flexibility and hospitality skills have been honed for good use here. Often, I remember the examples of those who have blessed me as I try to reach out to others.
In my spirit, the fight goes on. He has answered several important requests already this semester, things that I'd been needing to see change in my heart. Still, the pull of the flesh, of inner slothfulness, of rebellion is ever strong. "Prone to wander, prone to leave the One I love" is often what I feel should be written on the white board outside the door of my room. Instead, mercy pours down upon me, and His grace is never failing. Life is so often a restless ocean of circumstances and people and emotions and decisions, but He is the Rock that gives stability and purpose and inexplicable joy. Some days, I can feel the breath of the roaring lion, seeking to devour me, hot on my face. If it were up to me, I'd probably run right into its jaws; my courage and wisdom are so limited. But I am becoming more confident in His love. I am safe, unworthy as I am, in His embrace.
I haven't blogged since the new semester began, and I'm struggling to know how to sum up the past few weeks. I'm teaching mostly new students. The subject is video English, and I have sophomore English majors. For three weeks, we've been studying the movie "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington". With all the current events, I thought that a bit of understanding of American government would be helpful to my students. "Mr. Smith" gives a simplified view of the blessings and also the dangers of capitalism, along with pertinent vocabulary. I have decided that one theme that I'd like to emphasize this semester is the idea that your priorities and values determine your choices in life. In this movie, we're seeing different people show what is the most important thing to them: truth, money, power, reputation... While it is a challenging movie for the students to watch and understand, they are nevertheless sucked into Jimmy Stewart's performance by the end of the movie. The students had to do posters and presentations of famous people or places that are mentioned or shown in the movie. One class, in particular, did a super job last week. Today, I came in to find them all staring at me expectantly. After a minute, I said to one girl, "what is it?" She looked at the back wall of the classroom. I hadn't looked up yet to see that they'd hung their American history posters all over the back wall. "Wow, that looks fantastic!" I said, and they were all pleased.
Last semester, I taught freshmen students. Yesterday, I was able to have a little "tea party" with seven of the girls. A couple of other foreign teachers stopped by, and the girls really enjoyed getting together and practicing their English. Several girls want to get together with me one on one to talk about other life things as well. I'm thankful to have had the experience of working in an activities department at a nursing home for so long. I also have the privilege of being a member of Morning Star, which is blessed with an abundance of hospitality experts from which to learn. My flexibility and hospitality skills have been honed for good use here. Often, I remember the examples of those who have blessed me as I try to reach out to others.
In my spirit, the fight goes on. He has answered several important requests already this semester, things that I'd been needing to see change in my heart. Still, the pull of the flesh, of inner slothfulness, of rebellion is ever strong. "Prone to wander, prone to leave the One I love" is often what I feel should be written on the white board outside the door of my room. Instead, mercy pours down upon me, and His grace is never failing. Life is so often a restless ocean of circumstances and people and emotions and decisions, but He is the Rock that gives stability and purpose and inexplicable joy. Some days, I can feel the breath of the roaring lion, seeking to devour me, hot on my face. If it were up to me, I'd probably run right into its jaws; my courage and wisdom are so limited. But I am becoming more confident in His love. I am safe, unworthy as I am, in His embrace.
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