"And shall I pr Thee change Thy will, my Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But, no, L, no, that never shall be, rather
I pr Thee blend my human will with Thine.
I pr Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pr Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire--
See in my quiet places, wishes thronging--
Forbid them, L, purge, though it be with fire.
And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure
Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,
At last, at last, even as a weaned child."
For years, in times of deepest soul-searching, this poem by Amy Carmichael has expressed and focused my prys. Those times when I want something so desperately, realizing that it's not His will for me or not His will for me YET.
A weaned child has learned to live without it's accustomed, constant source of nourishment. It must wait for specific times to be fed. It must learn patience and submission and a new realm of dependence. Sometimes we have to come to think we cannot live without something and then be pulled away from it, in order to find our true strength and mature source of delight. It hurts to grow. We think we may not survive. But we will rejoice one day as we taste the wonders of His finished plan, just as the grown man forgets completely his pain of being weaned when he is feasting on steak and potatoes.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Not Good Enough
"Out of the depths I cry to you, O L! O L, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
If you, O L, should mark iniquities, O L, who should stand? But with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared.
I wait for the L, my soul waits and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the L more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the L! for with the L there is steadfast love, and with him there is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."
Ps. 130 is something I have to take on faith tonight. I struggle, like all humans, with coming for forgiveness when I have sinned. Even though my life is rooted in truth, I somehow believe the lie that I must find some kind of goodness on my own, that I must earn forgiveness, that I must meet some standard before my repentance is accepted.
I know I'm not good enough, and I tell myself that it's shame that keeps me from seeking His grace. But really it is pride. Frustration that once again I have failed to hit the mark. Inability to humbly hold up my hands and say, "more grace, please once again, give more grace." I claim these promises: "with him there is plentiful redemption" and "with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared." For this moment He died. His blood covers even this presumptive sin of someone who should be obeying out of love. I can rise from this moment clean and robed in His righteousness. I never need to be good enough to come to Him.
If you, O L, should mark iniquities, O L, who should stand? But with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared.
I wait for the L, my soul waits and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the L more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the L! for with the L there is steadfast love, and with him there is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."
Ps. 130 is something I have to take on faith tonight. I struggle, like all humans, with coming for forgiveness when I have sinned. Even though my life is rooted in truth, I somehow believe the lie that I must find some kind of goodness on my own, that I must earn forgiveness, that I must meet some standard before my repentance is accepted.
I know I'm not good enough, and I tell myself that it's shame that keeps me from seeking His grace. But really it is pride. Frustration that once again I have failed to hit the mark. Inability to humbly hold up my hands and say, "more grace, please once again, give more grace." I claim these promises: "with him there is plentiful redemption" and "with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared." For this moment He died. His blood covers even this presumptive sin of someone who should be obeying out of love. I can rise from this moment clean and robed in His righteousness. I never need to be good enough to come to Him.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
April Fool's Day
Today is the first of April, a day for pranks, jokes, and hoaxes. I tried to pull one off by stealing Justin's turtle, but my hilarious lack of success decided me against trying anything else.
During part of my classes today when the students were watching a video, I've been memorizing and meditating upon Ps. 37. So many commands: fret not, trust in the L, do good, delight yourself in the L, commit your way to the L, be still before the L, wait patiently, FRET NOT. The passage also lists several rewards: he will give you the desires of your heart, he will act, he will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday.
On April Fool's Day, I've been reminded that I'm often such a fool. I turn so easily to fretting, to not trusting, to delighting in other things, to refusing to wait patiently. Of all people who should be doing these things, it should be me, someone who sees His grace changing lives all around her, someone who watches Him provide for her tiniest need, someone who sees His faithful forgiveness to herself and others daily. I must learn to see consistently that His way is better than my own desires or plans. I must stop being a fool.
During part of my classes today when the students were watching a video, I've been memorizing and meditating upon Ps. 37. So many commands: fret not, trust in the L, do good, delight yourself in the L, commit your way to the L, be still before the L, wait patiently, FRET NOT. The passage also lists several rewards: he will give you the desires of your heart, he will act, he will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday.
On April Fool's Day, I've been reminded that I'm often such a fool. I turn so easily to fretting, to not trusting, to delighting in other things, to refusing to wait patiently. Of all people who should be doing these things, it should be me, someone who sees His grace changing lives all around her, someone who watches Him provide for her tiniest need, someone who sees His faithful forgiveness to herself and others daily. I must learn to see consistently that His way is better than my own desires or plans. I must stop being a fool.
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