Tonight as I drift to sleep...

I'm going to try to remember these thoughts.

"G's gifts put man's best dreams to shame."

Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Sonnets from the Portuguese- XXVI

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Prov. 13:12

I have calm confidence that He will continue to bless me with amazingly good gifts that far exceed my wishes or expectations. While this confidence may only last a minute at a time in its fullest strength, it continues to grow a teeny bit each day.

Learning to Live Without

"And shall I pr Thee change Thy will, my Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But, no, L, no, that never shall be, rather
I pr Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pr Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pr Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire--
See in my quiet places, wishes thronging--
Forbid them, L, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure
Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,
At last, at last, even as a weaned child."

For years, in times of deepest soul-searching, this poem by Amy Carmichael has expressed and focused my prys. Those times when I want something so desperately, realizing that it's not His will for me or not His will for me YET.

A weaned child has learned to live without it's accustomed, constant source of nourishment. It must wait for specific times to be fed. It must learn patience and submission and a new realm of dependence. Sometimes we have to come to think we cannot live without something and then be pulled away from it, in order to find our true strength and mature source of delight. It hurts to grow. We think we may not survive. But we will rejoice one day as we taste the wonders of His finished plan, just as the grown man forgets completely his pain of being weaned when he is feasting on steak and potatoes.

Not Good Enough

"Out of the depths I cry to you, O L! O L, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

If you, O L, should mark iniquities, O L, who should stand? But with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared.

I wait for the L, my soul waits and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the L more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the L! for with the L there is steadfast love, and with him there is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."

Ps. 130 is something I have to take on faith tonight. I struggle, like all humans, with coming for forgiveness when I have sinned. Even though my life is rooted in truth, I somehow believe the lie that I must find some kind of goodness on my own, that I must earn forgiveness, that I must meet some standard before my repentance is accepted.

I know I'm not good enough, and I tell myself that it's shame that keeps me from seeking His grace. But really it is pride. Frustration that once again I have failed to hit the mark. Inability to humbly hold up my hands and say, "more grace, please once again, give more grace." I claim these promises: "with him there is plentiful redemption" and "with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared." For this moment He died. His blood covers even this presumptive sin of someone who should be obeying out of love. I can rise from this moment clean and robed in His righteousness. I never need to be good enough to come to Him.