can you believe it?

...poor poetry still flourishes in my mind. I know, you're being sarcastic when I hear you saying, "Thank you for sharing." :-)

Night Driving

Darkness and light and other competing opposites
Like the flash and shadows trapped in my rear view mirror,
Tearing me apart,
Leaving me broken,
Clutching a useless steering wheel.


The Conversation

They meant it to be kind
But smug was the unfortunate result:
Cheesy shared smile,
Matching expressions of complacent interest,
Staring at me, but internally tuned in to each other
On a different frequency.
Great gain, small losses
In the gradual amputations of lesser friendships.

awkward moments

Grief truly has its awkward moments. even old grief. even "boy, I thought I was moving on with this" grief.
Sunday night I was with a friend that I haven't seen in a while. He was commenting on the picture of my dad and me on the fridge.
"Who's your boyfriend?"
"What?"
"Starting to go for older men, huh?" Smile.
Now I get it and smile. "Oh. That's my dad."
"I know." Another smile and a friendly pause. "So how is your dad doing?"
And all of a sudden I want to puke before I have to say the words.
"Um, he died last year."
Terribly awkward pause. Now I feel more sorry for him because he had no idea and doesn't know what to say. I try to pull off a nonchalant "it's ok and I'm so used to talking about this now" tone to salvage the rest of conversation while I answer his questions about when and how.
Ugly grief that surprises me when it invades my mind. I have learned to submit my thoughts on this to the gracious sovreignty of God, but sometimes the pain still surprises me.

Like today. It should be an easy letter to write. I was going to write to a friend. I just heard his dad isn't doing well after a lengthy illness and transplant. Encouraging words of empathy should just pour from my heart. But instead, in my sinfulness, I found myself battling anger and, frighteningly enough, jealousy. I was jealous of the time they've had to prepare themselves for this moment. I was jealous of the goodbyes. I was jealous of their shared faith in Christ that gives them sweet fellowship together. I was jealous of their certainty of forever together. I was jealous of the temporary nature of their parting, if it comes. I was jealous of every year lived past fifty-two.

So, I put aside the letter and prayed for grace... and forgiveness... and joy. I know my prayers will be answered, for myself, for my friend, for his family. God is still very good.

at least...

During a fairly brutal but honest review of why I'm not married and/or attractive to guys, a male friend mentioned that, positively, I do have a good sense of humor. At the time, this really didn't cheer me up or outweigh all the other areas of my life that were judged unattractive and needing work. I've really never heard the groom mention that he thought his bride was the girl of his dreams because she was funny. However, this quote I read today made me appreciate my area of strength a little more.

"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing." William James

nothing to say

worth saying, that is. I've let this blog go because it's very inconvenient to keep up without a computer, because I'm too busy trying to keep up with all of my other life responsibilities, because I'm focusing on keeping work time for work, because I just haven't had anything to say that seemed worthwhile.
I am alive and blessed in many ways. No need to worry about me. Always many reasons to pray for me. :-) If God provides, I will get to go home to see my family next week.
I'll try sometime to put up a link to our church's relief ministry for Katrina victims. There's lots of stuff there worth contemplating.