Revelation

When you're only half awake, your true reactions come out. Or so is my totally non-founded theory. People with early Alzheimer's often lose the ability to filter, to determine the correct social response. Because of that, whatever passes through their mind comes right out of their mouth. The real them is right out there in front of everyone. I always have compassion for this, mainly because it scares me to death. Although I strive for transparency in my life, the me you see is so often the edited version. All that to say, that when I'm really tired or only partially awake, my filter is weakened and my true reactions come out. And this week, I surprised myself.

One morning this week, I woke up before 5:30 a.m. Actually, I haven't been sleeping well, so that's not the surprising part. I thought, in my grogginess, that a noise had wakened me but I didn't know what it was. Then I noticed the hallway light was on. Here is a sample of the sleepy thought patterns. "Dude. Why did those girls leave that light on all night? That is so annoying! What a waste of electricity, and it is shining into my room!" I climb down from the tall bed and step around Buddy and march down the steps and turn the light out. Still my eyes are barely open. "So annoying. Why would they do that? They never do that." Climb back up into bed and under the covers. "They didn't leave the light on, I would have noticed it earlier." Try to go back to sleep. "Why was the light on?" Now I hear the noise of the screen door settling shut. "Someone got up and went out and left the light on." Roll over. "Who would go out at 5:30? Not Mel. Annie is at work. Must be Barb. Barb is so annoying for going out at 5:30 and leaving the light on. Why would she do that?" Roll over. Then very still as I hear noises on the front porch. "Barb didn't go out! Someone is on the porch, though." Try to go back to sleep. Then I heard someone making noise like they are coming in the front door. "There is an intruder coming in and out of our house at 5:30 a.m.! What a jerk!" Without any more thought, I was out of bed and rushing down the steps in my pajamas toward the intruder really mad. Finally, my eyes were wide open and my adrenaline was pumping... And there was Annie looking up at me. "We got off early," she said. By this time I was shaking and had to slowly climb back up the steps into my room, into bed, under the covers. Then it hit me. Why on earth, if I thought there was an intruder, would my first barely awake response be to rush out of bed and TOWARD the intruder. Here I am, practically unconscious, and all I can think is, "Who is breaking into our house and turning on the lights? I'll get him!" What was I going to do to the intruder anyway? Who knows, but it made me laugh an hour later when I actually woke up.

What a week!

This has been the kind of week where you think, "what could happen next?" By last night, I'd decided that nothing short of a natural disaster could top the events that have gone on in our lives this week. Then my knee went out as I was getting ready to brush my teeth, and I ended up on the bathroom floor in a heap. Mel heard the crash and came to rescue me. It was a toss-up between laughter and tears, but we decided on laughter (with a side order of loud yelling for the pain). Between the sinus infection, the visit to the freaky doctor, the inability to get my prescription even yet, the missed check in the checkbook that caused mountains of fees, late night work on the ladies conference, the car not starting, Mel getting sick, the house running out of toilet paper, Barb and the keys locked in her car, and now a swelled up knee, I felt like giving up. I wanted to put my head under the towel over the vaporizer and stay there for at least a week but resting has not been an option. Jeremy tried to help me out earlier in the week by reminding me that God is in control. But my mom really drove that home when she reminded me that God is in control, but He loves me and has a purpose for things like this. It wasn't until today when I watched Buddy with his ball that I really got a clue. Nothing embodies the spirit of worship and devotion and single-minded focus like watching that dog with his ball. Everything else is secondary. Everything else is negotiable. The ball is supreme. (If you know Buddy, you understand how profound this really is.) Here I am, with my focus on everything all around me. Sometimes it is a good thing like work or church or home or my class, sometimes it is a not good thing like a selfish entertainment or a mindless pursuit, but so often my thoughts and heart are scattered, with Christ Jesus being only one of many things in my life. This week, my focus was narrowed. My health, my car, my money, and my time were forced into situations way beyond my control. I was forced to look up: to stop- to sit- to pray, no, to beg- to pay attention. And I was struck by the thought: "Isn't this dependency where I am supposed to live all of the time?"