Revelation

When you're only half awake, your true reactions come out. Or so is my totally non-founded theory. People with early Alzheimer's often lose the ability to filter, to determine the correct social response. Because of that, whatever passes through their mind comes right out of their mouth. The real them is right out there in front of everyone. I always have compassion for this, mainly because it scares me to death. Although I strive for transparency in my life, the me you see is so often the edited version. All that to say, that when I'm really tired or only partially awake, my filter is weakened and my true reactions come out. And this week, I surprised myself.

One morning this week, I woke up before 5:30 a.m. Actually, I haven't been sleeping well, so that's not the surprising part. I thought, in my grogginess, that a noise had wakened me but I didn't know what it was. Then I noticed the hallway light was on. Here is a sample of the sleepy thought patterns. "Dude. Why did those girls leave that light on all night? That is so annoying! What a waste of electricity, and it is shining into my room!" I climb down from the tall bed and step around Buddy and march down the steps and turn the light out. Still my eyes are barely open. "So annoying. Why would they do that? They never do that." Climb back up into bed and under the covers. "They didn't leave the light on, I would have noticed it earlier." Try to go back to sleep. "Why was the light on?" Now I hear the noise of the screen door settling shut. "Someone got up and went out and left the light on." Roll over. "Who would go out at 5:30? Not Mel. Annie is at work. Must be Barb. Barb is so annoying for going out at 5:30 and leaving the light on. Why would she do that?" Roll over. Then very still as I hear noises on the front porch. "Barb didn't go out! Someone is on the porch, though." Try to go back to sleep. Then I heard someone making noise like they are coming in the front door. "There is an intruder coming in and out of our house at 5:30 a.m.! What a jerk!" Without any more thought, I was out of bed and rushing down the steps in my pajamas toward the intruder really mad. Finally, my eyes were wide open and my adrenaline was pumping... And there was Annie looking up at me. "We got off early," she said. By this time I was shaking and had to slowly climb back up the steps into my room, into bed, under the covers. Then it hit me. Why on earth, if I thought there was an intruder, would my first barely awake response be to rush out of bed and TOWARD the intruder. Here I am, practically unconscious, and all I can think is, "Who is breaking into our house and turning on the lights? I'll get him!" What was I going to do to the intruder anyway? Who knows, but it made me laugh an hour later when I actually woke up.