Our Buddy

I promised my nephew Lake on the phone this morning that I would put pictures of Buddy up on my blog. It's been difficult 'cause the dog himself is really irritated that I am messing with the computer instead of playing with him. He keeps putting his cold nose under my arm and making sad noises. I'll write more later about Buddy when he's not around.

Merry Christmas!

Eight Degrees

That's what the temperature is outside right now. And since I just went out to move my car to this side of the street (even side on an even numbered day, according to the snow plow laws of Rockford) and take these pictures, I can tell you it's pretty chilly out.

It's a privilege to live in this great house we're renting from Mark and Bev. Of course, there are more responsibilities. Notice the picture of my masterpiece, the shoveled sidewalk. You should have seen me out there last night after work, shoveling that long stretch in the dark. My technique needs work, but I had a lot of time to pray and think. An hour later, I came back in exhausted, victorious, and very thankful.

The Big Day

So tomorrow's the big day. And I'm sitting here blogging at lunch, 'cause I'm getting kind of nervous and this (and prayer) is keeping me from panic. The big day = moving for those of you who haven't heard. For those of you who know me well you'll either be saying, "Whoa, big surprise," in a sarcastic tone or perhaps, "Not again!"

I've actually lost count of the number of times I've moved since coming to Rockford. Let's see if I can remember...

First I lived with Pastor and Mrs. Martin when I first came to town, and all my stuff sat on the stage at the school for months. Then (2) I moved into my very own apartment at Clayton Court in Winnebago. What fun we had there! Sometimes, I had "traveling through" roommates such as Anouk or Joy. I loved having the space to be hospitable. I lived at Clayton Court for two years. Then came the chaos of a church split. I resigned from my job. Really, I had no idea what would come next so (3) I packed up all of my stuff and put it into a storage building and went back to Tennessee for a few months to think. And ended up right back here in Rockford (4), living with the Goodwins. Do I have to count moving just the stuff? Because we had that tornado destroy the storage building where my stuff was stored, and the emergency move (5) to the Aschers' barn. Next, both the stuff and I moved in with Joy (6) in the basement of the big house on National Avenue. You remember, the big house that was sold just a few months after we moved in. The original owners told the new owners that we would be moving out and told us that the new owners wanted us to stay. When the confusion cleared, we were moving out on a snowy night in January. We moved to the wonderful Franklin Place apartment (7) where we lived for around a year and a half, I think. Then I moved in with Mel at the apartment out in Loves Park (8), but after a couple of months we found the nice little apartment where we've lived for the last year (9). This September we re-signed our lease, thankfully planning NOT TO MOVE THIS YEAR!

God providentially put a smoker underneath us a month into our second year of the lease, thus giving me this nasty cough/asthma issue and the need to move again. Of course, getting out of the lease due to health reasons timed perfectly with Mark and Bev moving to Oklahoma-- and here we are moving into their house tomorrow (10).

God gives us good gifts. In our new house, we'll have big bedrooms, Buddy the neurotic border collie, BARB, a yard, ANNIE, space for more guests, and a chance to live in an exciting multi-cultural neighborhood. Did I mention the books get to come out of the plastic tubs in the basement? And BARB and ANNIE? And Buddy? Wow! So now I just have to finish work today, run errands, and head home to finish packing. I'll give you another update after moving and after the cable man comes to re-connect the Internet.

A Personal Journey

I'm not afraid to face questions about what I believe, even ones I didn't expect to face in a blog format. You just have to be aware that I make no claim to having all the answers or of having answers with which you will agree. That being said, I feel that Beth's question in the comments of the previous post deserves more than a little comment-sized answer.

The same anger that I sense directed at me in the question is similar to the anger that I directed at God two summers ago. In my grief, I found myself with many "whys". "Why did Dad die so suddenly? Why in this way? Why at this time? Why did we not have more chances to witness to him? Why did we not see our prayers answered? Why? Why..."

People try to be helpful and spiritual when they see that you are going through a trial like this. They remind you that God is in control. At that time in my life, I found it was like rubbing salt in the wound. You see, one thing that I realized rather quickly in this time of questioning was that I truly do believe that God is in control. That fact focused my anger directly on Him. Why could He not have followed my prayed-for plan for Dad's life, the one where he turned to God and changed, the one where he spent the last years of his life being a wonderful husband and father and grandfather, a beautiful testimony of God's grace? Where was the mercy of God?

These questions were the ones that sent me to the Word. I wanted to study the sovereignty of God because I wanted to know exactly what areas of life God takes credit for being in control of. To be very honest, I wanted to know how much I could blame Him.

So what did I find? What does God claim responsibility for or over? The answer was exactly what my first thoughts had been: nearly everything. He takes credit for the physical universe, from creation to holding it together to the weather to the creation of a specific human being in his mother's womb. The Lord God specifically takes responsibility for sending judgment in the forms of famine, war, and plague. He takes credit for changing the hearts of men as it furthers His cause. He literally says more than once that He holds the breath of creatures and men in His hand and gives or takes it at His will. I could go on and on with verse after verse of what I discovered about the control of God, but let me move on to two important things.

I found one thing that He does not take credit for and one thing for which He takes all of the credit. I never found God taking responsibility for sin. Perhaps this is obvious considering the magnificent and complete holiness of God, but it was a truth that resounded in my heart. In the story of God's dealings with man as told in the Bible, man bears full responsibility for the sin that he has chosen: mankind, every man, every woman, me. Tainted and contaminated with our own willfulness, we, and every other human being, lift our fists in God's face and go our own sinful ways. How does Romans 3 say it? "There is none righteous, no, not one. There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. They are all become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one." The Holy Spirit began to remind me of my own sinful heart. He gave me a good look at the filth and rebelliousness within me. As Romans 7 says, even "when I would do good, evil is present with me." Whether or not my dad turned to Christ in his last moments, he lived his life as a selfish rebel sinning against a holy God. The fact that I could not escape was that my heart is exactly the same as his was. Even as someone who has lived with the blessings of salvation for over 20 years, the wickedness of my heart appalls me. It was not enough to say that my life is different than his was because at some point I made a decision to turn to God. When I see the witness of both the Scriptures and of my own heart, I know that there is nothing in me that would choose God. My natural instinct was and is to run away from God and to sin at any cost. So now I was left with yet another "why". "Why me?" Why did I come to know Christ at a young age and my dad only in the last part of his life, if ever? Why did I come to Christ at all?

This is where I found the thing for which God takes all of the credit in the Scriptures: salvation. When my soul and Dad's soul stand side by side, there is no merit on my side at all. Thy are exactly the same in their complete wickedness and bent toward sinning. If there is any difference, it is all of grace: unmerited favor of God poured out upon a needy sinner. I could again call up verse after verse that extols this amazing fact. Salvation is of the Lord! From His death on the cross to the very faith that I have in my heart that enables me to repent from my sin and accept His salvation, it is all a gift of God.

It is very late (or early) as I write this out longhand in my bed. I hope to type this up before work tomorrow morning. Now I am full circle back to Beth's question: "Do I believe God chose Dad to go to hell, if indeed he died unsaved?" No. I believe that the Bible teaches that we all choose our sin and our condemnation to hell is justice from a righteous God. The responsibility for our sin is rightly our own.

And yet, I believe that it is through no merit of my own that I have come to salvation. I do believe that the Bible teaches that I was called and chosen to come to salvation. Without God's drawing me, I would never have come.

Do I completely understand how these truths intertwine or how they work together? No. But simply because I do not fully understand something does not mean that the Bible doesn't teach it that way and I should believe that it is true.

The finite mind longs to make the jump from the fact that if someone is chosen, someone else is perhaps "not-chosen". There is obviously an element of this in the Scriptures. Romans 9 deals with this concept. I don't understand all of that. What I do glean from Romans 9 is that God is the one in charge of this situation and that not understanding truth is better than messing with the truth so that it fits into my ideas of how it should be. I am now fully persuaded in the justice and in the mercy of God. I am able to leave the uncertainty of my dad's eternal condition in His hands for that is where it rests anyway. There is no one like our God. There is nothing to compare to Him. He is worthy of praise and honor. He is worthy of me trusting Him in this matter.

The Personal Effects of Calvinistic Theology in My Life

1. Humility
2. Exaltation of God
3. Prayer
4. Increased Desire for Holiness
5. More Fervent Spirit of Evangelism

“Before this period [when I came to prize the Bible alone as my standard of judgment] I had been much opposed to the doctrines of election, particular redemption (i.e. limited atonement), and final persevering grace. But now I was brought to examine these precious truths by the Word of God. Being made willing to have no glory of my own in the conversion of sinners, but to consider myself merely an instrument; and being made willing to receive what the Scriptures said, I went to the Word, reading the New Testament from the beginning, with a particular reference to these truths.

To my great astonishment I found that the passages which speak decidedly for election and persevering grace, were about four times as many as those which speak apparently against these truths; and even those few, shortly after, when I had examined and understood them, served to confirm me in the above doctrines.

As to the effect which my belief in these doctrines had on me, I am constrained to state for God's glory, that though I am still exceedingly weak, and by no means so dead to the lusts of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, as I might be, and as I ought to be, yet, by the grace of God, I have walked more closely with Him since that period. My life has not been so variable, and I may say that I have lived much more for God than before.”

These words from the autobiography of George Mueller express my own experience as well. I set my heart and mind to study these truths nearly three years ago when my dad died. Now, as I try to put into words what I have learned, I am once again brought to tears of joy in contemplation of the beauty, and mercy, and holiness of God. Were I a theologian, I would explain it in crystal-clear terms to illuminate your mind. Were I a song-writer, I would create a masterpiece of music and words to fill your heart. Were I a painter, I would imagine art to overwhelm your senses. But I am me: flawed and needy and ordinary. So I pray that grace is given me to invest all of my view of the glorious worth of the Savior into each word that I speak throughout my day, into each touch as I hold wrinkled hands in comfort, into each choice I make that demonstrates my life’s priorities.

Here's some perspective...

This article today really caught my attention. Maybe we should listen.

Chicago Vacation

Here are a few pictures from my parents' recent visit. They spent a mini-vacation with me in Rockford. We walked and walked and walked and walked on a beautiful fall day in Chicago. Another day, we visited Anderson Japanese Gardens here in Rockford. They loved the Swedish pancakes at Stockholm Inn and the apple donuts at Edwards Orchard. I loved having them here to enjoy our service at Morning Star on Sunday. It was just a joy to be together, in spite of the cold Dad suffered through.

Intoxicating Words

I'm doing research this morning for our Veterans Day celebrations next week, and I came across this poem again. It's most familiar for the excerpts used by President Reagan in his speech after the Challenger explosion in 1986. In its entirety, the poem is overwhelmingly descriptive. I needed to see some of the sky this morning.


High Flight

By John Gillespie Magee, Jr

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward, I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds-and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of-wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle, flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.


Special Note for High Flight:During the Battle of Britain, many Americans crossed the border into Canada to enlist with the Royal Canadian Air Force ... they knowingly broke the law in order to fight Hitler's Germany. John Gillespie Magee, Jr., born in Shanghai, China, in 1922. When Magee was just 18 years old, he entered flight training and was sent to England, on 30 June 1941. He flew the Spitfire being promoted to the rank of Pilot Officer. German bombers were crossing the English Channel regularly to attack Britain's cities and factories. On September 3, 1941, Magee flew a Spitfire V test flight which inspired him to write his poem. That same day he wrote a letter to his parents which included this now famous poem. Three months later, on December 11, 1941 (three days after the US entered the war and four days after Pearl Harbor), John Gillespie Magee, Jr., was killed. He was just 19 years old. John Gillespie Magee, Jr. is at Scopwick, Lincolnshire, in a churchyard cemetery.

Halloween Humor

The night before Halloween found me at Goodwill, trying to come up with a last minute costume. Goodwill is such a great place for things like that. After milling around and rejecting several ideas, like the black cat suggested at work, I found the cutest camo skirt. This gave me the idea of being a soldier- not realistically, but more in a "support our troops" kind of way. The complete outfit included the camo skirt, matching drab green shirt, and little girly combat boots. I added the tan hat that Jeremy says makes me look like Radar from Mash, but looks just like the one my friend Frank wore in pictures from Iraq. With my American flag pin, you could definitely get the idea. Our residents and staff really liked the outfit, but there were a few funny moments.

I walked by two ladies sitting over in the retirement home side of the building and overheard their conversation.
"Look at her," the first lady said. "She's in the army now."
The second lady laughed. She knows me because her husband is involved in our Alzheimers Center. "Do you know where she works? She's in front-line combat."

Apparently, the camo actually works if the person can't see very well anyway. I was standing by the wall, waiting for the elevator, when I greeted a gentleman in a wheelchair farther down the hall.
"Good morning, John."
"Good morning," he replied with a confused expression. "Where are you? I can hear you, but I can't see you."
I thought this was a rather witty joke until I realized that he didn't have his glasses on and that the wall behind me was the same olive green as my camo outfit.

One Night With the King

Although I don't have much time, I'd like to say that this was one Biblically based movie that pleasantly surprised me. Relatively few of the details given by the Bible were changed. While additional fiction was added to fill in what the Bible doesn't say, it didn't significantly change the tone of the Biblical material. The book of Esther in the Bible doesn't mention the name of God or contain references to any other parts of Scripture, but the movie showed Esther and Mordecai praying to the Lord, references to several other Biblical narratives, and even a beautiful part where Mordecai reads from Isaiah. There was no foul language in the movie or off-color scenes. Even parts of the story from the Bible that could have been suggestive were down-played. The sets and costumes showed a magnificence that did as much justice as could be done to the extravagance of the story, and the acting wasn't bad, either. Surprisingly for a movie made by a secular company, it magnified the work of God and the faith of his people. Go see it, rent it when it comes out on video, or buy it (according to your preference), but it would be nice to support this type of movie with your cash so they can make more like it.

P.S. Plugged In Online (where I regularly go for movie reviews) highly praised it as well; however, their reviews can be spoilers since they are often so detailed.

okay,okay

I spent too much time reading other people's blogs today. Both of my breaks here at work were used up in this sometimes helpful, othertimes wasteful, practice.

Anyway, I read through some blogs of Christian guys my own age, some with whom I attended Bible college or with their wives. Most of the time I was encouraged to read of the work of God in the lives of these others and to see the expansion of good Christian families. Other times I was discouraged to read petty or belabored arguments and discussions that sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to me. "Bwah, bwah. Bwah bwah bwah bwah." Or more accurately, they sound like this, "I'm twenty-something years old with a four year degree from Bible college and/or still in seminary. Therefore, I'm qualified to criticise and malign all sorts of experienced and faithful pastors and teachers in this particularly pompous tone of voice."

Let's just say that humility is attractive and rare.

On that opinionated note we no longer wonder why I'm still single. :-)

New beginnings

I'm officially moving to this new blog site, since I've damaged my other one beyond repair, then I lost the email address of the help guy. It's a long story.

Gradually, I'll transfer over the archives from the old one, but they will be missing the interesting comments that they orginally generated. Anyway, sending out emails to let people know about the new blog caused people to email me that I haven't heard from in many months, weeks, or years. One positive blessing already! This new format is also much easier to use, which helps when you're as "computer accident prone" as I am.

Senior Moments

A few minutes ago, I was headed down the hall of the nursing home where I work. A very old gentleman was propelling himself in his wheelchair in the opposite direction. He rarely ventures from his room and even more rarely initiates conversations, so I was surprised when he stopped me.
"Do you have a minute?" he asked.
"Sure. How can I help you?"
He pointed to the back of his wheelchair. "I'm kind of worried about where I'm going to fill this thing up."
My response was a blank look.
"With gasoline. So it will go faster," he explained.
"You're in luck, Joe. It's not a gasoline powered wheelchair. Much cheaper," I responded.
"Oh, okay. That's good. Thanks." And he continued down the hall.
So now there's one guy not bothered by high gas prices.

eulogy for a baby bird

In my job and in my family life, I've become quite familiar with death. Unexpected and awful death, gentle and longed-for death, tragic death, peaceful death. I work with people who are ill or very old, so nearly each week I lose a friend to death. Some are ready and I rejoice for them. Some are fighting to the last. I've learned how to mourn appropriately and move on. But this morning, I found myself in tears when I reached work and found the baby bird from our aviary dead in the bottom. He'd had an accident last week, and I've been nursing him along, hoping he'd make it. I don't even really like birds, so I'm not sure where all of this emotion came from. Probably exhaustion. The twelve hours I worked yesterday have combined with coming in early again today to produce a numbness that is only thawed by large quantities of Diet Dr. Pepper. So here I am. Teary over a baby bird. My friend Edna, who is turning 100 this month, watched me from her wheelchair as I removed the baby bird from the aviary . "That's a terrible responsibility," she said. Perspective came washing over me as I looked into her serious face.

Matthew 10:29-31 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." (or even zebra finches)

Happy Birthday, Dear Karyn

Okay, so a month later, after increasing pressure, I'm going to blog about my 29th birthday.
I truly hadn't expected it to be one of my best birthdays ever, even though I'd been looking forward to having the "golden birthday" ever since I'd moved to the Midwest and heard of such a thing. On my birthday evening, I talked to a friend who expressed it this way, "You are a blessed woman." And he is right.
My family members reached out to express their love from across the miles on that day and sent thoughtful presents and cards. My coworkers celebrated with a wonderful birthday bash. Some of my friends--no, FAMILY here from Morning Star came together in a surprise celebration. My very kind roommate Melody called my mom for a list of my favorite foods which she cooked for about fifteen people. As a transplanted Southerner, I rarely cook southern food (most of my friends won't eat it anyway), but I miss it. Melody made barbequed pork, sweet potatoes, and beans and cornbread. Jane and Bev chipped in the 'nana puddin' and the sweet tea. It was a feast we all enjoyed. Then I was loaded down with fun presents, like extravagantly bright pajamas, lotions, a loaded picnic basket, candles, and Barnes and Nobles gift cards! Henry even brought the backgammon board for a birthday game, but he wasn't in a festive enough mood to let me win. I think I would have enjoyed a party like this at any age, but it was sweeter at 29. My priorities are clearly defined now, and the fellowship of Christian friends is more valuable than any present that I could recieve.
The most wonderful presents were given to me by my cousin Georgia, who is a continual blessing of God to me. She sent money to help me pay for a trip to Iowa the following holiday weekend where I visited with my friends Emily and Daniel and their children. (more to follow in another belated posting) After I returned from that trip, she sent me something that I'd been praying about getting only the day before it arrived: a beautiful leather-bound ESV Bible.
Growing up, I imagined that being 29 would be quite different than my life is now, but while it is different from what I wanted, it is also "exceedingly abundantly" better. I would not have chosen the life I have now, only because even with my over-active imagination I could not have understood the varied and creative ways that God has used to pour out all these blessings on me.

29 is great!

Because I just got 5 out of 5 right on the History Channel's weekly quiz! A first for me! Whoo-Hoo!
P.S. Happy 10th anniversary, Pleasant and Joey!

For our dad

For Father's Day, my stepdad's church collected writings from the children of each dad and put them up on a powerpoint display during church. My dad's four girls wrote about him, but only one letter was displayed. Here are my thoughts and the thoughts of my sister Leah about this wonderful man who we love so much.
"When I think of my dad, Tom Cheatham, my thoughts are immediately directed to God. That's because he is a continual example to me of how God can change each one of us to be more like Christ as we obey His Word. Dad is someone that I can see changing each year. He makes the Word of God and the things of God high priorities in his life and decision-making. He is always ready to listen to me and to encourage me to do what is right. I do not doubt his love for me because he demonstrates his love to me more and more each year that I am privileged to be a part of his family. I love him very much and wish him a wonderful Father's Day."

day off

Anderson Japanese Gardens is a highlight of Rockford. On this, my fourth or fifth visit, Mel, Barb, and I enjoyed perfect weather and a relaxing afternoon.

for Kurt and Grace

On Love
Thomas a Kempis (1379-1471)

Love is a mighty power, a great and complete good.
Love alone lightens every burden, and makes rough places smooth.
It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders all bitterness sweet and acceptable.
Nothing is sweeter than love,
Nothing stronger,
Nothing higher,
Nothing wider,
Nothing more pleasant,
Nothing fuller or better in heaven or earth; for love is born of God.
Love flies, runs and leaps for joy.
It is free and unrestrained.
Love knows no limits, but ardently transcends all bounds.
Love feels no burden, takes no account of toil,attempts things beyond its strength.
Love sees nothing as impossible,for it feels able to achieve all things.It is strange and effective,while those who lack love faint and fail.
Love is not fickle and sentimental,nor is it intent on vanities.
Like a living flame and a burning torch, it surges upward and surely surmounts every obstacle.

as time goes by

This afternoon, the apartment is quiet. I'm the only one home from work yet in the building, so I can't even hear the neighbors, or their music, or their baby. The sunlight is filling the living room, which is fairly clean, and I can see my still lovely bouquets from Grace and Kurt's wedding on the table in the dining room. The vent nearby is pouring out marvelously cool air that carries only a faint odor of kitty litter box from the apartment below. I took a shower after my rather sweaty day at work and am now enjoying leftover Diet Pepsi. The time is perfect for pondering.

After the busyness of this last few months, you'd think I'd be overwhelmed with news and news and news to blog, but I'm stuck in pondering. Maybe it's the Sam Beaver in me to journal my pondering, but what I'm concentrating on is this: Although it's very nice in life to know who you are and what exactly you want, it's more important to know what you want more or even most.
Desires compel prioritization whether it is instinctive or whether it is completely deliberate. If every want was wanted with exactly the same intensity and priority, life would be chaos. No one would ever be able to make a logical choice. To some extent, most human beings are just internal knots of wants. At the exact same moment in time, I can want to drink this Pepsi, I can want to type, I can want to get married, I can want to clean the fish tank, I can want to scrunch my toes into the carpet, I can want to do nothing at all.... If I wanted them all the same amount in the same way, I'd explode with indecision. Instinctively, I've prioritized. "One sip of Pepsi. Type. Pray about getting married. Postpone the fish tank (again). Continuous scrunching of toes into the carpet. Nothing at all is a stupid thing to want..."
It is the deliberate prioritization of desires that has caused my pondering this afternoon, for it is not merely what I want that shapes my thinking and action and life, but rather it is how I prioritize what I want. It is what I want more or the most that makes me who I am.
For example,
I wanted to get to work quickly this morning because I was late. But, I wanted MORE not to get a ticket since I don't have any money, so I decided not to speed.
I want to lose weight, but I wanted MORE that chocolate dipped cone at Dairy Fair last night after church, so I ate it.
I want a kitten, specifically the one Ryan has downstairs. I want MORE not to aggravate my allergies. No, I want the kitten MORE than I care about the allergies. But I want MOST not to complicate my relationship with my fantastic roommate Mel who doesn't want a kitten. Therefore, I don't really want a kitten.
I want to get married. I want to share fellowship, and finances, and a family, and a dislike of alliteration, and, yes, "gardening", as Pastor would say. I want MORE to submit to God's plan to my life. I want MOST to enjoy Him and His good gifts. So, in the tension between what I desire and what I desire MOST, I find a balance of joyful contentment.
I want to sin. Often. Continually. In small insidious ways. In blatent immoral ways. I want more to be holy. Consumed by passion for Christ. Remade in His image. So my prayers become less about asking for what I want, MORE about recognizing all of what I want, the evil and the good, and MOST about begging to know and see what HE wants accomplished in my life.
If I can practice deliberate prioritization of wants more often, perhaps what I want MOST will happen more often.
"Now I want some dinner to go with my Diet Pepsi. Do I want eggs and toast or do I want chips and salsa MORE? Or do I want oatmeal the MOST? Hmm..."

Late Breaking News

I only have ten minutes to say what I want to say. Perhaps that's a good thing. Perhaps I'll be forced to spit out some clarity from this swirling mess of ideas in my mind.
This week I've been very moved, emotionally and spiritually. God's abundant mercy planned the preaching at our church, ladies' Bible study, life circumstances, and my private devotions to fit together powerfully. One of those life circumstances involved my British literature class.
Once when I was about twelve or thirteen, my dad took us to a spring in Florida to swim. While the river that ran nearby was muddy brown, the water of the spring was clear blue and icy. You could jump off of a bank about twenty feet high into the middle of it. After the sensation of falling through the warm, humid air, hitting that cold water took your breath away. I remember swimming up and up trying to reach the air and the warmth and gasping in great gulps when I reached the surface.
That's how I feel after spending time reading an in-depth survey of the life and works of George Gordon, Lord Byron. Plunged into the horror of out of control sin that was his life, I found myself swimming up as fast as I could, gasping in great gulps of grace. I saw the little rebellions of my life at their final, inevitable result. "This could be me if God let me have my own way." Remorse without repentance. Devastation without compassion. Bitterness without humility. I have more thoughts about this to blog on later, but now I must just express my thankfulness to God for His limitless mercy to me. The goodness of God truly drives me toward repentance.

Thoughts from the Treadmill

thoughts from the treadmill
It was absurd that I should have been thinking these thoughts.
"I wonder if she thinks I'm walking too slowly. Do I look as stupid as I feel? Should I ask her if she wants to turn the Dean Martin Cd off and try something else? Maybe it doesn't matter since she's on the cell phone. How can someone be riding a bike that fast and still be easily talking on the cell phone?"
Yep. You guessed it. Another, thinner, more professional exerciser had entered the Fitness Center while I was in the middle of my daily (new, but daily) routine. It's amazing the motivation that pride can give. I haven't walked that fast before and don't think I'll ever walk that fast again. And the thought pounded through my aching body as I slowed down immediately after the other woman left the room, "Why do I care what she thinks of me?"
I'm always struggling with being a people-pleaser, but it really disturbed me that I would actually care what some other woman I don't know thought about my exercising abilities.
After a discussion with a friend last night, I was relieved to realize that this is a universal problem, but for me there are more levels of this problem in other areas of my life. I care what those people I do know and care about think of me. I wonder if their perceived ideas of me measure up to what I really mean or who I really am. I fight against worrying about this and only recently see bits of progress in letting go of this prideful fear of man.
I have learned, though, that not only can my fear of what others think of me cause me to sin, but also that I am fully capable of deceiving myself about who I really am anyway. Sometimes it is MY perception of myself that is flawed. So often, I am defensive and upset because "So-and-so has the idea that I am a certain way" only to later find upon reflection that, based upon my words and actions, I AM a certain way, however violently I want to deny it. To face up to the truth about myself as found in God's Word, as revealed by my thoughts and words, as seen in through the eyes of my friends, takes courage beyond my abilities. Only grace can help me to humble myself before the only One whose opinion about me truly matters and confess that I am as He sees me. Only grace can give me wisdom to go to older and wiser Christian friends or family members and ask the hard questions: "What am I really like in this area of my life or in this situation? How do you see me in this area or situation compared to the truth of God's Word?"
I desire learn to measure myself with the most accurate measure, God's Word, to lovingly respond correctly to other's impressions or beliefs about me, to live in the confidence and humility of a person of faith.

you know its a rough week when...

You follow up a Tuesday night Bible study on self-discipline with a balanced Wednesday lunch of malted milk balls.
Large bruise on leg from the enthusiastic greetings of the giant poodle Sancho Cook.
You get a 1 right out of five on the History Channel's weekly quiz.
An Alzheimer's resident pronounces one of your employees "completely nuts."
Three for three days of the week on surprising resident deaths.

BUT of course there's always the joys of...
Seeing your baby sister's engagement pictures (great, but a little much smooching-- save something for the big day.)
Watching Princess Patience on her birthday.
LADIES BIBLE STUDY.
Two for two past days of the week where I seriously exercised.
Jane's salad (make that Zoey's salad this week) and the company of all the assorted Cooks.
New-To-Me Ginny Owens CD.
News of Leah, Chad, and Super Lake coming to visit this summer!
And so much more.

Frosty winds made moan

This is an actual series of email communications between myself and Nicor gas company yesterday after I received my online bill.
Enjoy.
>-----Original Message-----From: karynim@hotmail.com [mailto:karynim@hotmail.com]Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2006 8:52 AMTo: Customer CareI am concerned about the accuracy of my current gas bill. This past month hasbeen unseasonably warm-- warmer than the month before-- yet my bill has nearly doubled in one month. Could the usage be rechecked, please? Was I charged for both the upstairs and downstairs apartment when I only have the upstairs? If this is accurate, why did this happen? Should the landlord check for a gas leak? Thank you for your help. I would like to know before time to pay the bill so I can make arrangements. Sincerely, Karyn Heath

From: "Customer Care" To: Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 09:00:33 -0600Good morning. We put a very strong odorant in the gas so even very small leaks (like a pilot that has gone out) can be detected immediately.Your 1/17 bill was an estimate, and may have been underestimated. This bill is based on a reading of 1595 taken 2/14. The quickest way to verify if your bill is correct is to read the meter yourself. If your reading is lower than ours, send it to me and I'll rebill the account. Please let me know. Thank you for contacting Nicor Gas.KarenCustomer Care Services

From: karynim@hotmail.comTo: Customer ServiceDate: Friday, February 17th 7:30am
Thank you so much for your quick response to my emailed question. I have previously used electric heat in the winter and so was unfamiliar with the idea that a month could be estimated instead of an exact measurement. Now I do understand how this month's usage could have doubled if last month was a guess, and the remainder from last month had to be figured into this month's bill. Thank you also for sending out the bills a reasonable time in advance of the payment date so that people have time to sell their family heirlooms on ebay to pay for their heat. :-) Actually, that is a joke. I'm thankful that my bill is not as large as some other people's. The payment will be made on time. Thank you again.Karyn Heath

sweets

Contrary to popular opinion regarding me, I do appreciate Valentine's Day. Here are a couple of my favorite quotes on love.
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." ~Emily Brontë

"The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of." ~Blaise Pascal

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." ~Victor Hugo

"If I will learn to love the dreams..."

"that He has dreamed for me."

For the second night in a row, I woke up thinking about him in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep for a long while but when I did, my sleep was very sweet. I woke up still thinking of him with a smile on my face and reached for his letter to me right away. How wonderful to be back in close communication again!

Maybe I should retype that...
For the second night in a row, I woke up thinking about Him in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep for a long while but when I did, my sleep was very sweet. I woke up still thinking of Him with a smile on my face and reached for my Bible right away. How wonderful to be back in close communication again!

No matter how far I am prone to wander, I am more and more convinced that I belong to Christ. The reasoning is simple: I cannot live without Him. He is so necessary, so worthy of my praise and obedience, so satisfying, so gracious, so forgiving. Even though saints through the ages have offered praise more eloquent and more sanctified than mine, I am forced to join them with all I have. How could He call me to be His own? How could He continue to draw my wicked heart to hunger after Him? How could He bless me so abundantly day after day? Tomorrow is Sunday, since I work in the afternoon, the busiest day for me. Yet, I cannot wait to sing praises together with my church family, I cannot wait to hear His Word preached, I cannot wait for another opportunity to learn how I need to submit my life to Him. "O for a thousand tongues..." O for a thousand blogs?

Finding Strength

"If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me." ~Robert M. McCheyne

Dear ________,

I wanted to post something, anything on my blog in the very limited time that I have today to use the computer here at work. So, in the interest of saving time and shouting out January greetings to all those who read this empty little blog, I've decided to simply send to all a New Year letter that I sent to an old friend with whom I haven't been in communication for some time. He won't mind, since he isn't a blog reader and won't know. It really is a universal type message and worked well with a tad of editing. Just about anyone I know can fill in his or her name. Is this multi-tasking or cheating? :-) I'll try to give more specific news and postings as soon as possible.

January is a good month for new beginnings and evaluation of the past. This month, I've been unpacking and rummaging through old journals, sorting and throwing out old letters, and emptying email folders. Those are always tasks filled with surprise and remembrance. I'm surprised by things I've said or been through, I'm surprised by how much time has passed, and I'm surprised by how much I've changed, sometimes so drastically. I remember past friends and discussions and "life-traumas". Definitely a time to laugh at one's self. January is just a good month to be thankful for all God has done and is doing for me and in me, for others and in others.

I can't have changed that much because I'm obviously as long-winded as ever.
Anyway, I thought January might be a good month to say things like "hi", "how's life for you?", "hope God is blessing you", and other catch-up type things people say after long periods of time. I have to say that life is good for me- surprising and different, but good-, and that God is blessing me abundantly with His continued faithfulness.

We're busy here with exciting preparations for Grace and Kurt's wedding. In a truly fun Providential life twist, I'm the maid of honor. :-) [As far as my own life situation, you 'member once when you told me that I'd never get married, well, I asked God about it last year quite specifically, and now I'm pretty sure that you're right. For the first time, I'm really enjoying that fact. I'm not going to miss out on God's blessings for me, just because I was hoping for something else.] Anyway, Grace and I are wedding dress shopping like crazy and planning and exercising and beautifying.

Well, my break is nearly over, and I really must finish another letter, too, before rushing on into "Baking Time with Karyn", the 10:30 activity that residents are lining up for miles to enjoy. Ha! I'll have to drag them out by their walkers. Karyn