Not Good Enough

"Out of the depths I cry to you, O L! O L, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

If you, O L, should mark iniquities, O L, who should stand? But with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared.

I wait for the L, my soul waits and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the L more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the L! for with the L there is steadfast love, and with him there is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."

Ps. 130 is something I have to take on faith tonight. I struggle, like all humans, with coming for forgiveness when I have sinned. Even though my life is rooted in truth, I somehow believe the lie that I must find some kind of goodness on my own, that I must earn forgiveness, that I must meet some standard before my repentance is accepted.

I know I'm not good enough, and I tell myself that it's shame that keeps me from seeking His grace. But really it is pride. Frustration that once again I have failed to hit the mark. Inability to humbly hold up my hands and say, "more grace, please once again, give more grace." I claim these promises: "with him there is plentiful redemption" and "with you there is forgiveness that you may be feared." For this moment He died. His blood covers even this presumptive sin of someone who should be obeying out of love. I can rise from this moment clean and robed in His righteousness. I never need to be good enough to come to Him.

April Fool's Day

Today is the first of April, a day for pranks, jokes, and hoaxes. I tried to pull one off by stealing Justin's turtle, but my hilarious lack of success decided me against trying anything else.

During part of my classes today when the students were watching a video, I've been memorizing and meditating upon Ps. 37. So many commands: fret not, trust in the L, do good, delight yourself in the L, commit your way to the L, be still before the L, wait patiently, FRET NOT. The passage also lists several rewards: he will give you the desires of your heart, he will act, he will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday.

On April Fool's Day, I've been reminded that I'm often such a fool. I turn so easily to fretting, to not trusting, to delighting in other things, to refusing to wait patiently. Of all people who should be doing these things, it should be me, someone who sees His grace changing lives all around her, someone who watches Him provide for her tiniest need, someone who sees His faithful forgiveness to herself and others daily. I must learn to see consistently that His way is better than my own desires or plans. I must stop being a fool.

A Typical Late Night

We have random evenings here on the 4th floor. Last night, my room gradually filled with folks from all over, and we talked and laughed and laughed. We heard about our days and dreams and one person's experiences dressing as a giant possum. Tonight we had a wonderful evening downstairs with our sp rtual family.

As we returned upstairs, the crowd thinned and only our "family" was left-- to eat yet another of Mathew's chocolate cakes-- he's on a chocolate cake experiment kick. All of the cakes have been great. We benefit from his pursuit of the perfect cake.

Now only Kelly and Justin are left. We all are working on our macs. At times, Justin is hitting himself because of the frustration of building a database. Kelly is listening to music and singing along a random part. I'm skyping to Justin a conversation regarding cheese and what it's like to milk a goat while Justin and Kelly discuss restaurant names aloud. I've decided to document this evening by taking photobooth pictures. Even with photobook I'm a terrible photographer. But this is us.

I am so blessed.